I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
