Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
