Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
All I want is dick and wine.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
