Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
