I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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