ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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