im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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