I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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