Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
