I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
