just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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