So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
