It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
