I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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