you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
