I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
