I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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