omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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