my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
