Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
