i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
