I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize