he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
