our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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