i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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