If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
