I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Randomize
