ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
