Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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