she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
