Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize