I wish I could punch you in the face.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
