dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Randomize
