i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
