I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
