Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize