woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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