Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
