I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
