Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
not ubering you a puppy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize