Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
