The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
