Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
