I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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