Your face is a jimmy john
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Are my feet made of real feet?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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