The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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