Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
