i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize