she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
