Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
