My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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