Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Pants are for mortals
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
