bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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