best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
