There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
