i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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